I don't think I'm invincible, but I do think I'm unbreakable. I believe, with every ounce of my being, that there is nothing in this world that can happen to me from which I won't recover, emotionally. Nothing.
I consider all possibilities. What is the worst thing that can happen? How would I deal with it? I have the answers to those questions and, whether or not I am right, having thought about it gives me the strength to get through it. It's not morbid to think about those things. I am realistic and I know that the worst thing to happen isn't the likely thing to happen, but I want to be prepared. Loss of limb? Death of my spouse or my child or my sister? Loss of sight or hearing? Chronic or terminal disease? Loss of all of my worldly possessions? I've considered them all. I will be distraught if (when) one of those things comes to pass, but I will not be destroyed. One day, many days ahead, I will emerge on the other side.
Last year was the worst year of my life. At the low point of the worst year of my life, my mom was killed in a car accident. It was already bad before that, and it was worse after. 2010 was my nemesis, kicking me when I was down, throwing salt in my wounds, kneeling on my chest every time I tried to stand up. I don't believe that time heals all, but I know that every situation is temporary. My mom is never coming back -- that is permanent -- but every day since she died is a day that I lived, a day that has passed, a day that will never come again. Everything changes, and if I can continue to think, and act, and breathe, and be myself, then I can survive any situation. I may be changed, but I will also be whole, unbroken.
This life is the only one I get and I will never give up on myself.
In eight hours, I'll be on my way to the airport for a quick trip. Please wish me luck, send me good vibes, pray for me, sacrifice a goat... whatever it is you do to make good things happen for someone. I'll tell you about it when I get back.
Watching the season finale of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Justin Timberlake with musical guest Lady Gaga, I was reminded how much I would like hump JT. You may recall that JT has made an appearance in a Hump List of yore. (This one, but not this one or that one.) That got me thinking about all of the Hump List veterans. Adam Levine has also been on my mind (in my dreams) lately due to his weekly appearance in my living room via The Voice. The Hump List was due for an update anyway, so why not have an All-Stars Edition?
I haven't taken pictures yet this month, but I did weigh and measure. The loss of inches this month isn't nearly as dramatic as last month, but I have lost more weight, so that's nice. (Surgery was 11/29/10.)
Since last month, I have lost:
9 pounds (31 total)
.75 inches off my chest (2.5 total)
0 inches off my hips (5 total)
.75 inches off my waist (2.75 total)
.25 inches off my neck (1.75 total)
(arm and leg measurements were a little screwy)
I found a great support group to go to once a month. They do a clothing exchange before the meeting, which is cool. I have a lot of 3X stuff to bring next month. I am continuing to do well with protein and I am doing better with the fluids. I am still not doing well with my supplements. I don't know how to make myself get into the habit on this one. I have always been terrible about. I also need to motivate myself to exercise. That's another thing I have always been terrible about.
Things I had been doing well with but I have not been doing so well lately are: eating things of little nutritional value, and consuming caffeinated, carbonated beverages. I am already back on track with the food. That part was actually pretty easy. (New tiny tummy helps immensely.) Oh, but I love diet soda. I can't drink it the way I used to, so there is no danger of returning to my former levels of mass consumption, but I can't seem to cut it out entirely.
That's me in the front row, in the purple shirt with very heavy eyebrows. This is the Cast B photo for The Matchmaker. I was the Assistant Director. In Cast A, I played the same part as the blonde girl in the blue dress.
When I was sixteen, I was a junior in high school. I tried to take zero period Driver's Ed. at school, but zero period started at 7 AM, which was ridiculous. I couldn't take it after school because I had a job at the movie theater. (Free movies! Free popcorn! Half price candy!) I paid $125 to take Driver's Ed. privately. I had classroom instruction all day for a few Saturdays in a row. During the lunch break on the first day, I walked to the Wendy's around the corner. One of my classmates (tall, dark, and handsome) asked if he could join me at my table. I said yes. (Ooh, la, la.) His name was Omaya Yousef. His family had moved to the United Stated from Kuwait during the Gulf War. He was my age but he wasn't in high school. He had taken the GED and was going to the local community college, planning to major in microbiology. He walked very close to me on our way back to class, so that our arms occasionally brushed. We ate lunch together a couple more times, but I never saw him again after the class ended.
For the driving training portion of the class, an instructor picked me up after school on the days I didn't have work. Since I had already been driving (both illegally and permitted) for a year, the instructor didn't have a lot to teach me. He usually napped while I drove around town for an hour. When I took the DMV driving test a couple months after my birthday, I scored 100%. It was the easiest test I have ever taken.
I had small parts in a couple plays that year. I played Snug the Joiner in A Midsummer Night's Dream and Gertrude in The Matchmaker (the play on which the musical Hello, Dolly! is based). I wasn't any good. I was too self-conscious. I was involved in the production of six or eight plays in high school, usually as the Assistant Director. I was much better at that than acting.
I convinced my mom to buy a green, animal print (sort of) top by Michael Kors a year or two ago. She rarely paid that much money for clothes, but it looked good on her and she needed to stop wearing such frumpy tops on the weekends. I tried on the same top, in a size larger, but it didn't look good on me. It made me look bigger than I was.
Today, I am wearing her top. It is one of the only things I kept from her closet. I'm glad it fits me now. I'll be a little sad when I am wearing a smaller size and it no longer fits, but then I will be able to wear a green sweater of hers that I kept.
What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)
I don't know that I have a core story that I share with the world. I have core values: honesty, integrity, accountability, reliability, humor, awesomeness.