Opinions for Nothing

Madonna, the Super Bowl, and American Patriotism

I saw this tweet today, and it got me thinking about national pride and patriotism.

I hope nobody will judge America by that disgusting half time show for the Super Bowl. What was that?! #Late #ThanksYouTube

— Jenni Blockey (@MissJenniPants) February 8, 2012

I was about to reply that I liked the halftime show, but then I stopped myself. That wasn't the part of the tweet to which I really wanted to respond.

I do hope that the rest of the world judges America by that halftime show. Think about all of the elements that were in it. A powerful, self-made woman has forged a decades-long career as an artist who has constantly pushed the boundaries of tolerance and censorship. She bared her body and danced in a way that is forbidden in many parts of the world, and even punishable by death. She shared the stage with women and men of different races and, presumably, different sexual orientations and religions. Think about how much our own country has changed. Can you imagine Madonna performing the Super Bowl halftime show thirty, twenty, or even ten years ago? I can't. She wasn't ready for it then, and it wasn't ready for her. The rest of the world watches what the United States does. Others take their cues from us, for better or for worse. For the most part, though, things are better here than elsewhere, and things are better now than they have been in the past.

It is election season and, even though we are only in the primaries, partisan politics are ugly already. Each side considers itself to be the true patriots, the true Americans, but both are wrong. Patriotism is a "devoted love, support, and defense of one's country," not one's political party. There are flaws in our system. Our country has its troubles but, if you are true patriot, you love it, you support it, and you defend it. That doesn't mean you have to accept the status quo, but you do need to acknowledge the things that are great about America. Our country was founded on the principles of individualism and equality. That is what has afforded you the right to express your opinion about a middle-aged white lady and fat black man singing on a stage halfway through an inexplicably popular sporting event. And I support that.

Hump List: All-Stars Edition

Watching the season finale of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Justin Timberlake with musical guest Lady Gaga, I was reminded how much I would like hump JT. You may recall that JT has made an appearance in a Hump List of yore. (This one, but not this one or that one.) That got me thinking about all of the Hump List veterans. Adam Levine has also been on my mind (in my dreams) lately due to his weekly appearance in my living room via The Voice. The Hump List was due for an update anyway, so why not have an All-Stars Edition?

Justin Timberlake

Tall, cute, and funny. That's good enough for me.

Adam Levine

Swarthy, sexy, competitive.

Henry Cavill

The new Superman is one sexy motherfucker.

Matthew Morrison

A bit short but, oh, so pretty.

BONUS HUMPEE!

Although this one has never been included in a past list, the time has come to reveal my lady crush on Sofia Vergara. Am I right?

American Idol Live Blog 2-10-2011

It's the kick-off of Hollywood Week. A bunch of kids scream their fool heads off when they get to the hotel, which looks like a regular hotel. Half of the contestants are going home today.

First up is Brett Loewenstern, a.k.a. Simply Red Mini. He sings "Let It Be" with a lovely, scratchy voice. He makes it in along with a girl named Symphony and an unnamed black kid. A few more unnamed kids make it in along with an annoying girl from NY, named Rachel Zevita. Thia Megia makes it in, too. Casey Abrams, too. All these kids are annoying the crap out of me with their song choices already. I hate that jazzy crap.

Aw, sweet-as-pie Victoria Huggins is up now. She sings a very pageanty, shouty rendition of something annoying. Oh. She did not make it. Sad for her. Not so much for those of us who plan to watch the rest of the season.

The next group contains James Durbin (Tourrettes guy from last night) and Paris Tassin, the mom of the deaf girl. She does a fantastic job on "My Heart Will Go On." He rocks it out on some song I don't recognize, but isn't as good as he was last night. Stormi Henley, who impressed the male judges with her looks, but got a "no" from Jennifer, does ok, but Jennifer was right the first time around. Lauren Alaina does a great job on "Unchained Melody." Stormi doesn't make it, but the other three do, along with an unnamed black chick.

Chris Medina, the one with the fiancee with the traumatic brain injury, leads off the next group. I wish he would cut his hair. He was so much cuter. He does not do nearly as well as he did at his audition, but he is the only one in his group who makes it through.

Montage of a bunch of girls losing their shit on stage. The nerves are too much for some of them, but not for Jacee Badeaux, the tubby 15-year-old. He is just great. Robbie Rosen does a nice job, too. Hollie Cavanagh does well, too, but maybe she was sharp? There was something I didn't like. They all make it in.

Accountant, Steve Beghun, is apparently young enough to be on the stage, but he doesn't look it. Dude looks my age. Good thing he has a day job because he is out. A bunch of other people didn't make it either, and there are tears, oh, so many tears.

The show came back from commercials, but I didn't notice because I was busy checking out SXSW parties. All I missed was product placement from Ford. First up is a montage of kids who just suck. If they had done this poorly during auditions, they definitely would not have made it this far.

AI makes a big deal about an ex-couple and a current couple. The ex-bf has a nice voice, but he sings so slowly, I worried he'd fallen asleep. The ex-gf sings very well, too. Nick Fink, one half of the current couple, is very cheesy in his shiny jacket. Jacqueline Dunford has nice eyelashes. One makes it in but the other doesn't. They'll tell us she made it, after the commercial.

I was right. She's in, he's out. Also, she is cuter than he is. He begs for a second chance. He thinks he would have done better if Randy hadn't cut him off. He sings on his way out of the auditorium. It isn't good. Randy tells him no. Ah, desperation.

Scotty McCreery, the kid with the baritone, is up next. He is great again, with the same song he sang for auditions. Jackie Wilson sings the same song again, better this time. Jerome Bell wants to get it on with me again. They make it in with a few unnamed kids.

Up next, looks like a trainwreck.

Tiffany Rios, the one who had the stars on her tits, is boastful and has glitter in her hair. Her singing is overwrought. Jennifer says, "I like her. She's crazy." Travis Orlando, cute kid who was in a shelter or something, does a terrible job on "This Love." She makes it. He doesn't. Poor kid.

More people made it through, including a couple cuties from last night, and the White House intern from a few shows ago. Also, a hot mess made it through.

Next week, is the group portion, where they have to team up with a few others to perfom. I don't like that part. So much drama. See you then!

Fast Car

When Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" was released in 1988, I heard it a lot on my favorite radio station. I loved Tracy's voice. I loved the song. As a teenager, the song seemed hopeful and rebellious. Tracy was full of independence and drive. She was going to get out of there and do something with her life.

This morning, "Fast Car" played on my favorite Pandora station. It's a different song for me now. It is still lovely, but I listened to all the lyrics and paid attention to the ending, and it is heartbreaking. I almost gave it a thumbs down so it wouldn't play again on that Pandora station, but I left it. There is still a bit of hope in the last couple lines.

"Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

American Idol Live Blog: 1/20/2011

Live blogging starts at 8 PM sharp! Keep refreshing the page for updates.

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The New Orleans auditions took place in October. Some guy sobs and plays the piano and wails something about smiling while the jerks at AI flash, "He won't be going to Hollywood," on the screen.

My preschooler is arguing with me about the bed time routine, so I am missing the BS about the line and New Orleans. Ryan Seacrest is trying to say something in French. He is not successful.

Right off, we are in the house of a piano teacher. Let me make a prediction here: He's going to Hollywood. My house is smelly. My husband needs to take out the trash when he gets home. The piano teacher's name is Jordan Dorsey. He is 21. He brought all kinds of family with him. His grandma tells Ryan Seacrest that he looks taller on television. Jordan sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" with a unique arrangement. It's smooth. He's in.

Magenta Lopez matches the set.

A bunch of fugs are coming up after the.... Commercial!

Swamps! Alligators! N'awlins! Montage of weak sauce singers! One girl refuses to stop.

Sarah Sellers has lips like Steven Tyler. You can see the wheels turning, wondering if he missed an illegitimate child. She has a lovely voice and cute shoes. She's going to Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez says Sarah is one of the best they've heard.

A 23-year-old who looks like he is going to play Young Rocky in a flashback, and who works in a ship yard, is wearing a very wide tie. He wants to lay down the law on Jennifer's humps. He sings something in Spanish. He compliments the other two judges so that they don't feel too bad when he loses his load on JLo. He's in, but for some reason, he is getting undressed and Randy and Steven Tyler want to join in. Ok, Shipyard looks good without a shirt. Aerosmith isn't bad, but I never want to see Randy's belly again.

Apparently these auditions lasted until March because it's Mardi Gras after the commericals!

I just realized the show came back on and I didn't even notice. IT IS THAT EXCITING!

The next girl up brought pictures of Randy in high school. Her dad (grandpa?) was Randy's football coach in high school. There is a creepy bit about paddling Randy's butt. The girl is so good, Jen Jen looks like she is going to cry. Randy picks his teeth. Seriously. He says she has a powerful voice. She is going to Hollywood.

Teenage Simply Red is up next. He has a sob story about being picked on. Hey, Red, maybe if you got rid of the giant lady hair, it would help your cause. He sings Queen, very well. Dear, AI, please make this kid cut his hair when he gets to Hollywood. Gushing! Fabulous! Hot! Hollywood!

After the break, more people who suck and more of Randy's patented Crazy Eyes. Commercial!

New Orleans is the birth place of jazz. I hate jazz.

Why do some guys have such gross hair when they would be so attractive with a normal hair cut? I'm looking at you Gabriel Franks. He is singing "Bad Romance" and I like it, even his crazy facial expressions, but not the talking parts because I hate talking in songs. JLo is squirming. Steven Tyler faults the song choice. The NO is quick and unanimous, and it kicks off the montage of losers. One girl looks like a zombie. One dude looks like the King of Spades.

Commercial! Make-up!

Crap, more losers.

Alex is from New Orleans and he went to American Idol Camp. For reals. He was ripped off. This dude can't sing, which comes as a complete surprise to him. Steven Tyler says he strayed too far from the melody. Randy says, "It was terrible, truly terrible."

Now, a porky 15-year-old named Jacee. A girl's name for a boy. Nice parents. He slays the judges with "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." They let him sing almost the whole song. They are charmed. Of course he is going to Hollywood.

Coming up, a girl with black hair has a sob story that make JLo cry, but not ugly cry. Commercial! Buy a hybrid or you are a capitalist pig!

Paris is 23-years-old and the last person to audition in New Orleans. She got pregnant when she was 18 with a hydrocephalic baby. She decided not to abort. Keira has hearing loss and her momma is singin' for her. She sings Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home" because it has meaning to her. Sounds like it could be about her, so much that it makes JLo cry. Christ, me too. She is really great. Now everyone is crying. She is going to Hollywood.

Oh, thank goodness, this is not two hours tonight. New Orleans yielded 37 more AI hopefuls headed for Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez was so moved by Paris that she stops to meet the kid and say good-bye to them both on the way out.

See you next week in Milwaukee!

American Idol Live Blog: 1/19/2011

Live blogging starts at 8 PM sharp! Keep refreshing the page throughout the show.

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 "Your judges for American Idol! Randy Jackson! A piece of leather! Hennifer Lopess!" The judges were introduced to a wild screaming crowd, but the footage was presented like it was a clip from last season.

Jennifer Lopez wants to change someone's life. I have lady wood for Jennifer Lopez. Steven Tyler is thirsty and hungry for a new Janis Joplin. Steven Tyler killed my lady wood.

Randy Jackson has dropped the "dawg" and replaced it with the "wow." I can't believe this is season 10. I think I watch every third season or so.

Clips from the judging. Jennifer Lopez has a different hairstyle in every single shot of her. Steven Tyler is cracking my shit up. Randy Jackson is exactly the same but with uglier glasses.

This year's winner gets a record deal with Interscope Records, helmed by Jimmy Iovine, who will be working with contestants throughout the contest, hopefully producing a better debut album for the winner than we have heard in the past.

Commercial! Man, I haven't typed this much, this fast in a long time.

New Jersey auditions took place in a fricking STADIUM full of people.

[delay due to naughty preschooler]

So, it's true. Acid washed jeans are back. Curly-haired chick auditioned in Season 6 and was cut on the first day in Hollywood. She can sing. [Please take note of my specific, technical critique.] The judges are less than impressed, but they let her through because they think she has potential to be better. Jen (we're besties, she said it was ok to call her that), lets her through based on her Season 6 audition, but tells her to get it together or she'll be cut on the first day again. Ouch.

Caleb wears a tiny tee with horizontal stripes. What the fuck, dudes? Buy tees that fit. And shave. This is an audition. He sings ok, then his voice cracks, then he is thrown a little. It wasn't that great, but the judges are gushing.

A 15-year-old named Kenzie. Of course that's her name. She goes to performing arts school. She's good, kind of smoky and twangy at the same time. Steven Tyler says he didn't feel "that pizazz." Randy agrees. She sings better than the other two combined. I am already irritated with the judges. She's in. Jen's with me and says, "You two are crazy."

Astounding. Yes. I like you! Yes, yes, yes! Welcome to Hollywood. That felt so good. And, a bunch more are through.

Here come the terrible, painful screechers. First up is a girl from Ivory Coast. She said she is singing a Madonna song, but I can't even tell what it is. Steven Tyler tells her she is terrible but uses technical words, which really softens the blow. Jen, doesn't know how to tell her she sucks. Randy says, "Singing is not your thing, baby."

Commercial! Time for diet root beer. Looks like there will be crying coming up.

Ryan makes some cracks about Jersey that I don't care about. Shots of truly horrific fashion. Ugly chick with cardboard gold stars taped to her tits. Really. She thinks she's hot. Really. She told us. Also, she wants to make Jennifer Lopez cry. She can't even look at JLo without going into the ugly cry. Jen Jen gives her a hug and tells her to pull it together and "do great." She's singing an original song about being put through to the next round. She screeches a high note but first whips out the tits. She puts them away to sing a real song. It's a lot better. She is a little overly dramatic with her movements. ST: "You proved to me you can really sing your tushula off." She's in.

More terrible singers. I get that people want to see the train wrecks, but I am so grateful that American Idol has really cut back on these. ST seems to be the most sensitive of the judges and lets the contestants down as easy as he can. JLo just can't tell them no, until she encounters an Amber Riley look-a-like who pushes her over the edge.

Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was five because he had hip tendonitis. They bothered to interview his mom so, clearly, he makes it through to Hollywood. Also, he made me feel like a dusty bag of bones by saying he has dreamed of coming to American Idol since he was seven years old. He kills "Yesterday," one of the only songs I like by the Beatles. Leatherface likes him. JLo makes his head explode by telling him she thinks he's cute. Randy's his old self again and expounds upon "crazy, mad vocals."

Commercials! Some girl bites it on the stairs and crawls away in utter humiliation.

Montage! Steven Tyler gets pervy over any barely legal thing with long legs.

Nerdy Boy Scout made a nerdy PSA about not texting while driving. Did AI show it to us because he gets through or did they show it to us just to embarrass him? The judges make fun of his Opie straw hat and ask him if he is going fishing. Oh, he's terrible. That's just mean, AI.

Commercial!

This spazzy dude burps when he is nervous, so we are treated to a montage of that. He can kind of sing, but he is so into "Proud Mary" that it is truly embarrassing. JLo tells ST to make him stop. ST asks him if he ate a lot of paint chips. Spazoid says he can do better but, really, he can't.

They film the next contestant coming out of the porta-potty. Way to keep it classy, AI. This girl is rough, but she is fun. She idolizes Britney Spears. She wants everyone to have to hear sing. She kills "Gimme, Gimme" from Thoroughly Modern Millie, and is met by silence. She is crying and asks, "So, is that a no?" Jenny tells her she is more for musicals than AI. She begs in a very endearing and outgoing manner, then breaks down sobbing. It's still a no for Randy, but JLo caves and so does Aerosmith. She is, hands down, my favorite so far. I love a hot mess.

Commercial! H&R Block will do your taxes. Dude, that's a downer I didn't need right now.

Sixteen-year-old Something Huggins from North Carolina is sweeter than pie and more annoying than anyone else I have seen in a long, long time. She is vlogging her AI experience. I can only hope this will be the last installment. "I am in it to win it." "I've got what it takes." "It is my time to shine." She can sing and the judges are charmed. She throws out a, "Yo, yo, dawg," to get Randy on board with Jen and Leatherface. God help us all, she's in.

The last person to audition is a former refugee from Kosovo. She was a little girl when her family moved to the United States. Cue the heartwrenching war montage. Her parents looks so sad and so hopeful. Oh, thank goodness, she can sing. ST likes her understated beauty, oh, and her singing. She's in.

Later, Jersey. Oh, crap. That was just Day One.

Commercial!

Next up is a singing waitress at a restaurant in Times Square. We see clips of her singing at work so, let me guess, she's in. Devyn Rush can sing. Big surprise. Blech, scatting. ST thought it was delicious like dessert. Jen Jen loved it. RJ says she is not dressed the part, so it was unexpected. JLo tells her that she is a star and she needs to start acting like that and looking like that. She's in. Duh.

Really, Randy? "It's a singing competition first, and that girl can blow!"

More terrible singers. One guy looks as terrible as he sings. The judges give false to one contestant by singing along with her. Steven Tyler calls Randy a bleeping bleephole after he coldly tells the chick no.

Commercial! Smartphones! Why don't you have one?

Crazy Japanese dude does crazy Michael Jackson dancing. A.k.a. Yoji Pop says he has been imitating Michael Jackson since he was two years old, no before he was born. He was moonwalking in the womb, suckers! But he isn't going to sing Michael Jackson for us, he is singing Miley Cyrus. I can't understand a damn word out of his mouth. Oh, and he isn't a good singer. He does whip out a couple smooth MJ moves, but his dancing pretty much sucks, too.

Oh, no. This Miley Cyrus song, "Party in the USA," is the one they make all the contestants sing, so now we are treated to a medley of suckitude, punctuated by my husband's farts. This is truly the worst.

Commercial! Coming up, it gets worse!

Yeah, it really does.

Steven Tyler begs of one contestant from Staten Island, "Please be the next American Idol. Please." Since we have to listen to her scratchy-voiced dad talk about doo-wop, I am guessing she is. Oh, he had throat cancer. Way to be a jackass, Michelle. Her name is Brielle. She has a nice ass, but you can't say anything about it because she is 16. She sings "Endless Love" well enough to get through. Steven Tyler is taking over Paula's job of starting off with a compliment about her clothes and her hair. The judges ask the dad in. Why? Who the hell knows. To witness them all saying yes to her, I guess. Jen Jen and Randy say she has some work to do but she has potential and she is going to Hollywood.

Brielle? Kenzie? What the fuck are people naming their kids these days?

Commercials! Drink Coke or else you're a Communist!

Sob story! I need to win so I can support my family! We lost our home in the recession! There are murders in our neighborhood! The last contestant in New Jersey! He likes the Beatles! He sings it all jazzy! I am nearly done! Steven Tyler asks for another piece! Jason Mraz! "You done done me." That's right, AI. Why you gotta do me like that? Are you still reading this? His bleach blonde mom is crying in the hallway. COME ON ALREADY. The judges let in another 16-year-old. His mom totally loses her shit.

The judges selected 51 people from New Jersey auditions to go to Hollywood. See you tomorrow, in New Orleans.

Live Blogging American Idol: The Winner!

I am starting an hour in so that I can FF through all the commercials. No way I could stand two hours of this. I usually check email and Twitter and Facebook during the commercials, but I have to stay away from those things tonight. I would be so pissed if I saw a spoiler.

Did you see in the news today that Simon's ex-girlfriend, a reporter for E! or Extra, was attacked leaving the show last night? Some random crazy tried to strangle her.

The DVR says this is scheduled to go until 10:07. That is so freaking ridiculous.

Judges are introduced. Montage of Randy Doody saying "for me" and "for me, for you" about a thousand times. Montage of Kara calling people "sweetie" and "honey" as she tells them they suck. Montage of Paula (slightly less orange tonight, hair still looks like crap) reciting a vocabulary list. Montage of Simon saying "what?" and "pardon?" over and over.

Kris Allen and Adam Lambert come out. Paula is crying already. Their microphones don't work so we don't really hear what they are saying. Mikalah Gordon is a crazy, lollipop-head of a fish-faced presenter in the crowd in Kris's hometown of Conway, AR. Carly Smithson is a normal-looking presenter in the crowd in San Diego, CA, Adam's hometown. Oh, she was a former contestant on AI. I wonder if fish-face was, too.

Husband says it is time for another KidzBop song as the Top 13 are reunited onstage to sing "So What." We watched only long enough for me to type the previous sentence.

David Cook is up next singing his song "Permanent." I'm having a sudden attack of heartburn, caused by pregnancy, or coincidence, or this boring suck of a song. FF!

Now it is a cheesefest of a segment called the Golden Idol Awards where we are subjected to the worst of the worst of the original auditions. Those early auditions are my least favorite part of this show. They are so painful to watch. Yet, I am watching them again because this is the only part the husband actually likes. Nick Mitchell, a.k.a. Normal Gentle (who I liked in the competition) wins Outstanding Male, whatever the hell that means. What it means to me is that I am going to have to suffer through a later segment for Outstanding Female. I am betting Bikini Girl or Tatiana win that one.

We are treated to a short performance from Norman Gentle.

Huh? Next up is a duet with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. I might actually watch this one. Why didn't Lil do this in the competition? Maybe she would have made it farther. I love Queen Latifah but, girl, a stretchy catsuit is not the right choice for a big girl. Husband started whining and hit FF.

Anoop and that blondie (Alexis?) who lost singing "Jolene" are singing with Jason Mraz. We are reminded why they lost. Oh, it gets worse! The Top 13 KidzBop choir joins them for the chorus. At least it was short.

Now we get to see Kris Allen's journey. It would be a lot more interesting if they had clips of him singing at the various stages of the competition so that we could remember how he was in the beginning and see how he has changed. Producers, you suck. Kris is singing "Kiss a Girl" with Keith Urban. This is a good song for him. I wouldn't mind being the ham in that country sandwich.

FF through the commercials and a group sing with the girls and the Black-Eyed Peas. If I had the remote, I'd keep on going straight through the Golden Idol Award for Best Attitude. Alas, the husband is on remote duty tonight. Bikini Girl is the first example of bad attitude. The next girl flips Simon the bird and calls him an asshole. The final chick is just all around terrible. Bikini Girl wins! I knew it! She comes out in a bikini and clearly has had a boob job since the last time. Ryan, "I was going to ask you what's new, but I think I know." Good god, we have to listen to her sing. She is still sub-standard. Ha! They had Kara come out to sing with her or, rather, show her up, which she totally does. Bikini girl looks PISSED! It is the most HILARIOUS thing I have ever seen on this show. Then Kara rips open her dress and flashes her bikini. Kara even beats bikini girl with the bod. Girlfriend has some abs!

This show ruins everything. "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper is one of my all-time favorite songs and they have Allison Iraheta destroying it in an acoustic duet with Ms. Lauper. I can't listen. It pains my soul.

Kris's mom is wearing a terrible dress for her. His parents are sweet, though, as Ryan interviews them in the audience. Then he runs over to the Lamberts. I think Adam dressed his mom.

Danny's consolation prize is that he gets to sing alone, I guess. He is singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie in the most overwraught rendition I have ever had the misfortune to hear. Do I hate everything tonight or is everything truly vile tonight? Mr. Richie joins him onstage during some point in the FFing, so the husband stops. It appears to be a Lionel Richie medley. I am thinking this is really exciting and entertaining to see live but, here, in my family room, this show is excruciating.

Now we get to see Adam's journey. Again, it would be nice to hear some clips of him singing. Adam is singing something and wearing some sort of cage/wing/shoulder pad contraption over his weird Mad Max outfit. Not only does he have eyeliner, he has glitter eyeliner. Oh, I see, because he is singing with KISS in full KISS make-up. Now he is the least crazy-looking person onstage. Adam got the best duet of everyone. He can outsing these dudes and rock just as hard.

Carlos Santana is up next. He is going to be playing at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. I might go see that. Who is going to be singing with him and ruin "Black Magic Woman" for me? It's a mystery! So far, it is just a long solo guitar intro. Oh, there it is. Matt Giraud. Husband: "Oh, here they all come. Now they're really going to fuck up some good songs." He isn't wrong and we FF through the rest of the Santana medley.

Kris and Adam both get free Ford Fusion hybrids in their last Ford commercial.

Next, Steve Martin (huh?) is singing with Megan Joy Corkrey and Michael Sarver. Sarver isn't terrible. Megan Joy is. Steve Martin is rocking the banjo and wrote the song, which is lovely, and is called "Pretty Flowers." It is on his new album. I may have to check that out on iTunes.

FF through the next commercial and the guy group sing and Rod Stewart, who I have never liked. Surely we're getting close to the end now. Please, let it be so. Close, but we still have to suffer through the Outstanding Female category of the Golden Idol Awards. These are truly terrible, but I have to admit that, were I to audition, I would sound exactly like most of those girls. Tatiana! I knew it! I am an American Idol psychic when it comes to their cheeseball antics. They do a bit where they pretend they are running out of time but she runs up onto the stage and sings the same song she has sung three times before on the show. Some of the people in the audience seem to think it was wasn't a total set-up based on the looks on their faces.

Final song of the night is with Kris and Adam and Queen. Fucking Queen. If that isn't skewed toward Adam, then I don't know right from left, good from evil, Paula from Simon. Anyway... FF.

Ryan gets Simon's reaction before giving the results. Simon sincerely says they are both brilliant and incredibly nice people and should both be proud of what they have achieved. Holy crap, almost 100 million votes last night.

SHOCKER! The winner is Kris Allen, not Adam Lambert. I gasped so hard I nearly passed out. Kris looked truly shocked and Adam looked sincerely happy for him. Kris is speechless and says, "It feels good, but Adam deserves this." He is quite inarticulate in his state of complete shock. No way in hell Adam doesn't get a record deal out of this. Simon doesn't even stand up and looks disappointed.

Now we have to listen to the terrible "No Boundaries" again. No, we don't! We can FF one last time this season. I am thinking I might have to retire from American Idol live blogging. Farewell, my lovelies!

Live Blogging American Idol: Top 2 Sing

Ryan is making ridiculous comparisons about Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, the final two. The glam rocker vs. the acoustic rocker. Conway vs. California. The guy next door vs. the guyliner.

Simon is actually wearing a sportcoat. What? Paula's hair looks like it was french-braided until about five minutes before the show started.

They are each singing three songs tonight: their personal favorite of the competition, one chosen by Simon Fuller, creator of the show, and the winner's first single, co-written by Kara DioGuardi.

Poor Lamberts. Adam was a screamer who didn't sleep through the night until he was 18 mos. old. This baby in my belly better not get any ideas from hearing that.

Adam's first song is "Mad World." Ooh, spooky with the trench coat and the backlighting and the stage fog. He's all brooding in a very "love me even though I am the undead" sort of way. Classic Adam. No complaints, but also no surprises.

Randy is so completely mismatched I don't know how I missed that during the introductions. He gives Adam an A+. Kara is so happy he chose that song. She looks a little undead herself. Nude lipstick; it isn't for everyone. Paula is proud of him. Haunting, theatrical, she keeps on talking. Simon always thought this was his best performance. Simon says it was "over-theatrical" with the coat and that it was Phantom of the Opera, to which Randy responds, "No, Twilight. Twilight." I told you, the undead.

Aw, how sweet. Kris was shy when he was a kid and wouldn't sing in front of his family unless they paid him a quarter. Last year, he gave his mom a coupon book for songs.

Kris's first song is "Ain't No Sunshine." I guess that was the judges favorite of his, but not mine. I actually forget which one was my favorite, but I remember I LOVED it. I'll have to look it up and edit this later. There is too much orchestration (is that a word?) for my taste on this song. I think that is what I meant when I said I didn't like the arrangement last time. I think the arrangement is fine, there are just too many instruments playing. Is that the same thing? I know nothing about music. Of course, he sang it well.

Randy says it was one his best performances ever on this stage. Kara says he has a way of creating an intimate bond with everyone in the audience. Paula says he awakens the spirit in all of us. Dear lord, she is completely orange. Simon says he wasn't sure if America had made the right choice last week but is now sure after hearing that performance.

Ryan asks Simon to call round one. Simon says it goes to Kris.

Husband said he thinks the top two should both get albums and then the person who sold the most after a month wins American Idol. But what would be the prize then? I don't think just the title of American Idol would be sufficient then.

Adam's second song is "Change Is Gonna Come." It's a bluesy song. This is not my favorite. I wish he didn't ALWAYS have to go into the high-note rock screech. Randy says he can sing his face off. Kara says it was the best performance and the best interpretation of a song in this competition. Paula says it was the best she has heard him sing, ever, ever, ever, OMGMYNIPPLESARESOHARDANDSHOWINGTHROUGHMYSHIRT. Simon says he is 100% back in the game.

Kris is singing "What's Going On" for his second song. Acoustic slow jam time. I think Kris might win. He has more mainstream appeal than Adam does. I would buy both of their albums, but I would listen to Kris's while imagining myself making out with Adam. (I don't care if he is gay. I'm still hot for George Michael.)

Randy says it was a little light for him for this stage in the competition. Kara says he hasn't wavered and some crap about social consciousness. Paula says he tore it up. Simon says it was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye and that it was too laid back for a night like this.

The local news just had a clip of Allison's reaction in their promo. Still can't stand her. Oh look, there she is acting like a spaz in the audience.

Adam is up first singing the winner's single. Did Ryan say the name of it? If he did, I missed it. Not loving it from the start. Cheeseball just like all the past singles have been, but it is slightly more interesting. Slightly.  If this were any other night, the judges would be saying, "Poor song choice," to this one.

Randy says Adam can sing anything but that wasn't his favorite Adam performance. Kara, of course, gives herself props for being a co-writer and doesn't really say anything to Adam other than thanks for singing it. Paula blah, blah, blah. Simon clearly thinks the song is stupid but says he won't judge the song, he'll judge Adam. He says Adam is one of the best, most original contestants they've ever had on the show. He genuinely believes Adam can be a worldwide star.

Now it's Kris's turn to sing "No Boundaries." He has a case of the mush-mouth. Husband is making groaning and wretching sounds and says, "What is this, week three?" I agree, this is not the big sing out that it should be. Husband says, "I knew this song would be too much for him." He is totally outmatched by Adam on this one. Now I am thinking that mainstream appeal doesn't trump talent and Adam will win. This is leaning toward terrible.

Randy looks like he doesn't want to say what he has to say. He says Kris should be proud of what he has done in the competition. He and Kara both think the key was too high for him. Kara doesn't want him to be judged on that song. Really? Then why did she write such a shitty song? Paula shut it. Simon says his highlight tonight was the first song and that watching him on this stage has been incredible because he has come so far and thoroughly deserves to be standing there now.

I'm calling it for Adam.

Ok, so the reason they are going long is so that we can hear Carrie Underwood sing some song over a montage of this season. Who gives a shit? Ryan warned us at the beginning of the show that it would go long. He also said tomorrow night would go long, so plan accordingly. Seriously? The show tomorrow is two hours long when it could be two minutes long. And I am the sucker who is going to watch the whole thing.

American Idol: Top 3 Recap

Ha, ha! Suck it, Gokey.

I Love Dolly Parton

Real Simple posted this on Twitter yesterday:

I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton

I have always liked Dolly Parton. Once you hear how irreverant she is in interviews, how can you not?