Opinions for Nothing

Secret Marriages

I read Dooce's post today about splitting up with her husband. I've been reading her blog for years and years. I never thought her marriage would end. She and her husband knew each other so well, were so in love, put so much work into their marriage.

It made me wonder, how much I really knew about their lives and their marriage and their issues. Dooce is so open about everything, maybe it gave me a false sense of knowledge, of knowing her. Bloggers show you only what they want you to see, but that isn't any different from anyone else. Two other bloggers I admire split with their husbands in the past year. One has found a fantastic new husband. The other has only just started picking up the pieces. Friends of mine are divorcing and it is ugly and cruel in a way that makes me question our friendship.

Maybe the problem is not keeping the truth about your marriage from the world, but keeping it from yourself. When I compare my marriage to the ones I admire, mine seems to fall short, but I am looking at mine with unflinching honesty, not through the veneer required for publication. Even so, I do have a public marriage and a secret marriage, but it's not because I have anything to hide, it's because there are two people in my marriage and that story isn't mine alone to tell.

The Hump List: Yuletide Edition

The reason the Hump List needs to be updated a couple times a year isn't because my tastes change, it's more like, "Out of sight, out of mind." If I haven't seen a humpee in a movie or on TV in awhile, I tend to forget about him.

Have you never heard of a Hump List? It goes by several names. I used to call it the Freebie List, but I prefer the more vulgar Hump List. I'm a classy, classy lady. This is a list of the five celebrities with whom my husband will allow me to have sex, should the opportunity arise. I like to pretend that, since I live in Southern California and I have friends who are actors and producers, this might actually happen one day. That is why I am so diligent about having an up-to-date list.

Humpee: Justin Timberlake, Hump List alum
Recent appearances in which he was hot: Friends With Benefits, In Time

Humpee: Ian Somerhalder, Hump List newbie
Recent appearance in which he was hot: The Vampire Diaries

Humpee: Henry Cavill, Hump List alum
Recent appearances in which he was hot: Immortals, The Tudors, Men's Health cover

Humpee: Karl Urban, Hump List alum
Recent appearance in which he was not hot, but reminded me of times when he was: Star Trek
[This is the only age-appropriate entry on the list. He almost didn't make it.]

Humpee: Chace Crawford, Hump List newbie
Recent appearances in which he was hot: Gossip Girl, my dreams

How My Marriage Works

I wore flat boots just for you.

So that I won't feel insecure because you're taller than me?

Insecure? Ha! If my hotness doesn't make you feel insecure, I don't think a pair of tall boots is going to do it.

Hump List: All-Stars Edition

Watching the season finale of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Justin Timberlake with musical guest Lady Gaga, I was reminded how much I would like hump JT. You may recall that JT has made an appearance in a Hump List of yore. (This one, but not this one or that one.) That got me thinking about all of the Hump List veterans. Adam Levine has also been on my mind (in my dreams) lately due to his weekly appearance in my living room via The Voice. The Hump List was due for an update anyway, so why not have an All-Stars Edition?

Justin Timberlake

Tall, cute, and funny. That's good enough for me.

Adam Levine

Swarthy, sexy, competitive.

Henry Cavill

The new Superman is one sexy motherfucker.

Matthew Morrison

A bit short but, oh, so pretty.

BONUS HUMPEE!

Although this one has never been included in a past list, the time has come to reveal my lady crush on Sofia Vergara. Am I right?

What to Get Your Husband for Your Anniversary

My friends like to email me for advice. Here's a gem:

Her: Any ideas what I could get my husband for our anniversary?

Me: I can't remember what I got mine last year. Men just want steak and a BJ.

Her: HA! OMG, so true! (Don’t forget the potatoes.)

Me: Potatoes are for chicks.

The Freebie List a.k.a. My Humps a.k.a. Celebrity F*ck List

I call it the Freebie List because I don't curse much and the Fuck List sounds vulgar. Regardless of what it is called, this is a list of well-known people that I may have sex with, should the situation arise, and my husband will say, "Well done, you," instead of, "I divorce you." This list has evolved over time. (See Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With and Three Men Who Want Me.) It's time for an update to reflect my cougar phase. (I am 35. Can that really be cougar age?) Also, it looks like I have decided I get to sleep with five men instead of three.

Three Men Who Want Me

I used to write for a friend's web mag, Clark Schpiell Productions. This piece was published there September 20, 2004 (my 30th birthday, coincidentally).

One year ago, I wrote "Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With." The celebrities I would have been able to have sex with over the past year with permission from my husband were Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom and Benjamin McKenzie. But I'm 30 for Christ's sake and those boys don't do it for me anymore.

Brad Pitt, though out of the running for a full year, has managed to increase his virility and sex appeal through pills, a pact with the devil or good, old-fashioned plastic surgery.  Brad successfully fought Orlando Bloom for my affections and won, reclaiming his place among the select group of men who can ravage me anytime they want. Farewell, Keebler Elf.

Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With

I used to write for a friend's web mag, Clark Schpiell Productions. This piece was published there September 15, 2003.

Every married person I know has a list of famous people they get to have sex with if they ever meet. My husband's potentials include Marissa Tomei, Denise Richards and, rotating in and out of third place, Heather Graham and some redhead named Dina something who was in Starship Troopers. I think she played a slut.

For the longest time, my list consisted of Brad Pitt, Gabriel Byrne and Elijah Wood, who I would, of course, wait to defile until he turned 18 and decided to like girls instead of boys. After the first X-Men movie came out, Hugh Jackman replaced the aging Gabriel -- sorry, old man. After the Lord of the Rings came out and I saw a teeny tiny Elijah with huge, hairy feet, he was out. I replaced Elijah with Tom Welling when I started watching Smallville. I figured I needed to keep a youngster in the ranks.

Something started happening in my life that I'd failed to notice. I and all of my friends were hurtling toward thirty at an alarming pace. By the time that the Lord of the Rings came out on DVD, several of my friends had actually turned thirty and were wondering why they weren't married. We didn't think they let you cross that border without a husband.

Call for Opinions: What is your minimum definition of cheating?

I received a comment on a five-year-old post about cheating at The Peevery. What is your minimum definition of cheating? Where is the line between cheating and inappropriate behavior?

This is what I think, but I want to know what you think.

I am now forced to broaden my definition of cheating... If you are in an exclusive relationship and you have a conversation or an encounter with someone else, if you cannot recount that conversation word for word to your partner or you cannot describe that encounter to your partner in detail without discomfort, then you have behaved inappropriately. It's like foreplay to cheating and it is going to earn you a punch in the mouth if your partner is me.

Read the whole post: Exploratory Poonani

Call for Opinions: What do grown-ups do for fun?

Jamie asks:

My husband and I have discovered that we are the most boring people on earth. With every day being a 12-hour workday we don’t have a lot of free time, but what little we have, we have no idea what to do with. When we were younger we loved to go out and party, but we’ve outgrown it. And we never replaced these activities with anything else. Also, all of our friends have either had kids or never grew up, so we don’t really associate with anyone anymore.

So, basically we have no friends (we both work at the same place and everyone here is either way older than us, or has kids, or is weird or all of the above) and no hobbies. All we do is sit and stare at each other going “What do you wanna do? I don’t know, what do YOU wanna do?”

Is there some sort of match-making site for couples in their late 20’s-early 30’s to meet other lame people with no friends? If not, there should be. It’s hard to make friends as an adult.

Anyone have any suggestions for hobbies? We are not athletic and are both very accident prone, so anything with sharp pointy things (like darts) or heavy things (like bowling) or physical activity (like, um, sports) is not good. Also, anything that takes a long time (we have no attention span), or involves weirdos (like Renaissance fairs or Civil War Re-enactment) is out.

This is a good topic, about which I have surprisingly few opinions. My husband and I watch TV, go to the movies, and hand out with family (I have lots) and friends (we have few). We don't have tons of free time, though. We both have long commutes. We have two small children. I am taking MBA classes. I have to blog, and tweet, and post reviews on Yelp or the world will end. My husband plays online games. We're both fat because we don't exercise.

Anybody have some ideas for Jamie?