I am starting an hour in so that I can FF through all the commercials. No way I could stand two hours of this. I usually check email and Twitter and Facebook during the commercials, but I have to stay away from those things tonight. I would be so pissed if I saw a spoiler.
Did you see in the news today that Simon's ex-girlfriend, a reporter for E! or Extra, was attacked leaving the show last night? Some random crazy tried to strangle her.
The DVR says this is scheduled to go until 10:07. That is so freaking ridiculous.
Judges are introduced. Montage of Randy Doody saying "for me" and "for me, for you" about a thousand times. Montage of Kara calling people "sweetie" and "honey" as she tells them they suck. Montage of Paula (slightly less orange tonight, hair still looks like crap) reciting a vocabulary list. Montage of Simon saying "what?" and "pardon?" over and over.
Kris Allen and Adam Lambert come out. Paula is crying already. Their microphones don't work so we don't really hear what they are saying. Mikalah Gordon is a crazy, lollipop-head of a fish-faced presenter in the crowd in Kris's hometown of Conway, AR. Carly Smithson is a normal-looking presenter in the crowd in San Diego, CA, Adam's hometown. Oh, she was a former contestant on AI. I wonder if fish-face was, too.
Husband says it is time for another KidzBop song as the Top 13 are reunited onstage to sing "So What." We watched only long enough for me to type the previous sentence.
David Cook is up next singing his song "Permanent." I'm having a sudden attack of heartburn, caused by pregnancy, or coincidence, or this boring suck of a song. FF!
Now it is a cheesefest of a segment called the Golden Idol Awards where we are subjected to the worst of the worst of the original auditions. Those early auditions are my least favorite part of this show. They are so painful to watch. Yet, I am watching them again because this is the only part the husband actually likes. Nick Mitchell, a.k.a. Normal Gentle (who I liked in the competition) wins Outstanding Male, whatever the hell that means. What it means to me is that I am going to have to suffer through a later segment for Outstanding Female. I am betting Bikini Girl or Tatiana win that one.
We are treated to a short performance from Norman Gentle.
Huh? Next up is a duet with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. I might actually watch this one. Why didn't Lil do this in the competition? Maybe she would have made it farther. I love Queen Latifah but, girl, a stretchy catsuit is not the right choice for a big girl. Husband started whining and hit FF.
Anoop and that blondie (Alexis?) who lost singing "Jolene" are singing with Jason Mraz. We are reminded why they lost. Oh, it gets worse! The Top 13 KidzBop choir joins them for the chorus. At least it was short.
Now we get to see Kris Allen's journey. It would be a lot more interesting if they had clips of him singing at the various stages of the competition so that we could remember how he was in the beginning and see how he has changed. Producers, you suck. Kris is singing "Kiss a Girl" with Keith Urban. This is a good song for him. I wouldn't mind being the ham in that country sandwich.
FF through the commercials and a group sing with the girls and the Black-Eyed Peas. If I had the remote, I'd keep on going straight through the Golden Idol Award for Best Attitude. Alas, the husband is on remote duty tonight. Bikini Girl is the first example of bad attitude. The next girl flips Simon the bird and calls him an asshole. The final chick is just all around terrible. Bikini Girl wins! I knew it! She comes out in a bikini and clearly has had a boob job since the last time. Ryan, "I was going to ask you what's new, but I think I know." Good god, we have to listen to her sing. She is still sub-standard. Ha! They had Kara come out to sing with her or, rather, show her up, which she totally does. Bikini girl looks PISSED! It is the most HILARIOUS thing I have ever seen on this show. Then Kara rips open her dress and flashes her bikini. Kara even beats bikini girl with the bod. Girlfriend has some abs!
This show ruins everything. "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper is one of my all-time favorite songs and they have Allison Iraheta destroying it in an acoustic duet with Ms. Lauper. I can't listen. It pains my soul.
Kris's mom is wearing a terrible dress for her. His parents are sweet, though, as Ryan interviews them in the audience. Then he runs over to the Lamberts. I think Adam dressed his mom.
Danny's consolation prize is that he gets to sing alone, I guess. He is singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie in the most overwraught rendition I have ever had the misfortune to hear. Do I hate everything tonight or is everything truly vile tonight? Mr. Richie joins him onstage during some point in the FFing, so the husband stops. It appears to be a Lionel Richie medley. I am thinking this is really exciting and entertaining to see live but, here, in my family room, this show is excruciating.
Now we get to see Adam's journey. Again, it would be nice to hear some clips of him singing. Adam is singing something and wearing some sort of cage/wing/shoulder pad contraption over his weird Mad Max outfit. Not only does he have eyeliner, he has glitter eyeliner. Oh, I see, because he is singing with KISS in full KISS make-up. Now he is the least crazy-looking person onstage. Adam got the best duet of everyone. He can outsing these dudes and rock just as hard.
Carlos Santana is up next. He is going to be playing at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. I might go see that. Who is going to be singing with him and ruin "Black Magic Woman" for me? It's a mystery! So far, it is just a long solo guitar intro. Oh, there it is. Matt Giraud. Husband: "Oh, here they all come. Now they're really going to fuck up some good songs." He isn't wrong and we FF through the rest of the Santana medley.
Kris and Adam both get free Ford Fusion hybrids in their last Ford commercial.
Next, Steve Martin (huh?) is singing with Megan Joy Corkrey and Michael Sarver. Sarver isn't terrible. Megan Joy is. Steve Martin is rocking the banjo and wrote the song, which is lovely, and is called "Pretty Flowers." It is on his new album. I may have to check that out on iTunes.
FF through the next commercial and the guy group sing and Rod Stewart, who I have never liked. Surely we're getting close to the end now. Please, let it be so. Close, but we still have to suffer through the Outstanding Female category of the Golden Idol Awards. These are truly terrible, but I have to admit that, were I to audition, I would sound exactly like most of those girls. Tatiana! I knew it! I am an American Idol psychic when it comes to their cheeseball antics. They do a bit where they pretend they are running out of time but she runs up onto the stage and sings the same song she has sung three times before on the show. Some of the people in the audience seem to think it was wasn't a total set-up based on the looks on their faces.
Final song of the night is with Kris and Adam and Queen. Fucking Queen. If that isn't skewed toward Adam, then I don't know right from left, good from evil, Paula from Simon. Anyway... FF.
Ryan gets Simon's reaction before giving the results. Simon sincerely says they are both brilliant and incredibly nice people and should both be proud of what they have achieved. Holy crap, almost 100 million votes last night.
SHOCKER! The winner is Kris Allen, not Adam Lambert. I gasped so hard I nearly passed out. Kris looked truly shocked and Adam looked sincerely happy for him. Kris is speechless and says, "It feels good, but Adam deserves this." He is quite inarticulate in his state of complete shock. No way in hell Adam doesn't get a record deal out of this. Simon doesn't even stand up and looks disappointed.
Now we have to listen to the terrible "No Boundaries" again. No, we don't! We can FF one last time this season. I am thinking I might have to retire from American Idol live blogging. Farewell, my lovelies!
